Carnation

On Valentine’s Day, I bought myself a pink carnation. Later, I looked up the meaning of the flower (it represents gratitude) and it’s etymology. The scientific name for carnation comes from the Greek for “Divine Flower,” so I was extremely happy and actually very moved because I felt like the flower was from God.

The first line is one that I borrowed from another poet. Unfortunately, I don’t remember which poet or poem it was.


She walks in beauty,

Though she’s unaware,

Her heart’s a home, Divinity,

Has made its presence there.

God gives her a carnation,

He’ll give her, too, a crown,

What source of joy! Salvation,

And being called His own.

Make Me Better

Yesterday, I discovered the song “Make You Better” by the Decemberists. Video Here

The song made me think of the eating disorder that I have been struggling with and how, though it helped some things in my life, it hurt much more than it helped. I wanted self-confidence, approval, numbing of emotions, and a sense of security, and it delivered none of that for long. It didn’t make me better, and now I want to actually get better. I want to have a real life rather than pursuing my own destruction. That’s what inspired me to rewrite the song with new lyrics.


I want you, thin fingers,

I didn’t want thin fingernails,

Or a thin life, or brittle bones,

I wanted you, I needed you

To make me better.

 

I loved you in the new times,

I lost myself in no time,

I bent over backwards,

To follow you, because I thought you

Would make me better.

You didn’t make me better.

 

But I’m not so starry-eyed anymore,

You’re not the friend I thought you were when I met you,

And our journey up to now has made me,

But before you break me, I’ll return to what is true,

And make me better.

It’ll make me better.

 

You muted my life’s song,

I suffered under your heavy palm,

Yet when fear consumed me,

I wanted you, I needed you

To make me better.

To make me better.

 

And all I wanted was a peace in my mind,

And all I wanted was acceptance of your kind,

To make me lighter.

 

But I’m not so starry-eyed anymore….

 

Coffee Spoons

This morning, I was reading T. S. Eliot’s poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” and was struck by the line, “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.” It made me think of my own life because I drink coffee almosy every day but never need a spoon because I always drink it with nothing in it. I felt like that could be a symbol of life: Am I missing something? Am I living the way I am supposed to, the way I was meant to? I don’t think so, but do I have the courage to change it?


“I have measured out my life

With coffee spoons” —

That is to say, I never use

Them, never mixing in

Cream or sugar, keeping

The bitter brew black;

Is my life lacking something?

Have I held life back?

Have I measured out my days

In ways perverse?

Do I dare disturb this universe?

In Hope I Go

This morning, despite fears and anxieties, I have motivation and hope. This poem is in a form called a Rondelet.


In hope I go,

Stepping on hot coals and through fire,

In hope I go.

Somehow I know

And trust that hope is not a liar,

I’ll be delivered, whole, entire:

In hope I go.