“Perfection” and a Poem

The prompt word for today’s SoCS is “perfection.” Perfection is illusive and elusive; I think it is hardly possible for a human to achieve true perfection. For example, an eating disorder manifests by fixating on one’s body and trying to make it “perfect.” Perfect doesn’t exist, and even if one were to achieve it, the difficulty is in keeping it.

I write about that because, I am embarrassed to admit, I had a lot of difficulty with eating-disordered thoughts and behaviors this morning. I could hardly get my mind off of it, and it was so prevalent in my thoughts that I started to cry. Thankfully, the worst of it has stopped, and I did not cancel going out to lunch with a friend. I think that companionship was what I needed, to not be alone, even if the activity involved food.

I was able to write this Chaucerian stanza earlier today, even in the midst of that horrific time being ridiculously triggered.

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I will proclaim what God has done for me:
He has bestowed on me a sense of worth,
That He made me on purpose, beautifully.
Even in suffering, there is some mirth,
Knowing that it gives aid to friends on Earth.
God’s made this life worth living even now,
He helps me trust through all that He allows.

Overcoming

Ronovan gives us the inspiring prompt “Overcome” as the theme for sijos this week. It was hard to write about in only 1 sijo, but I decided to write about overcoming an eating disorder.

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Food was the enemy; there was nothing more terrifying,
It was quite a war, even now there are times when I’m still fighting,
You never get through the door, to the new world — you are the door.

Stream of Consciousness and Pie

For SoCS: “on your/my plate.”

Today I didn’t have much on my plate. It being Saturday, that’s laundry day in my house, but I am one of those weird people who likes to do laundry. 🙂 Other than that, the day had mostly pleasant things to offer. One of the most pleasant things was the pie on my plate for lunch. I ate pumpkin pie and berry pie, plus a little bit of cheesy potatoes and some homemade applesauce, so pie was basically the main dish. Best of all, I don’t even regret it. Take that, anorexia!

Speaking of which, the eating disorder does come up all the time, but it’s mostly thoughts and feelings, not actions so much. It used to be like a full-time job, just managing that disease so that I wouldn’t end up in 24/7 care again (yes, again). Talk about having a lot on your plate! In 24/7 care, pretty much all you do is eat and go to therapy and eat and do more therapy and eat, LOL.

I was going to go to the café again today to write, as writing poems was another item on my plate today, but I did not do that. Poetry writing is an integral part of my day, whether or not I post. I have a good (in my opinion) poem to share with you, but unfortunately it is not done.

It’s fun eating bunches of pie,
Stomach and sweet tooth to satisfy,
But better is writing some poems,
Because then I feel like I’m home.

Sorry my brain doesn’t seem to be working well enough to write more than a little quatrain for SoC!

writer’s block
is really a shame
dot dot dot
…
…

stay tuned
for more writing
but not too close to now
tomorrow at the earliest
I think

Wallpaper

Linda G. Hill gives us the word “wallpaper” to work with for SoCS today. As I had absolutely nothing to say about wallpaper, I decided to do am image search and see if anything from that inspired me. The pictures most near the top were of cell-phone wallpapers, which I didn’t even think about; I was thinking about literal decorative sticky paper on actual walls. Traditional wallpaper, I guess you could say. 🙂

The wallpaper on my phone is a photo taken from the pier at one of the local beaches. You can see the shoreline on the lift side of the photo, but most of the image is blue sky and ocean of a deeper blue. I remember when I took that picture: I was there with a friend from high school (we’ve more or less lost touch now), and we were going to eat burgers and drink milkshakes. I remember, doing that scared me so much because I was near the beginning of my eating disorder recovery journey. Thoughts like, “You want me to go to the beach, and eat a burger, and drink a milkshake, in the SAME DAY?!” were prominent. I refused to wear a bathing suit, so we didn’t go swimming, but we did eat that stuff, and we had a really fun day. At least I wore shorts and short sleeves. I remember, even though it was a huge challenge, that day was a major win for me!

I’ve come a long way, even if it doesn’t often feel like it.

 

You've come a long way, through the wind and the waves,
To find a blue sky and a safe place to stay.

The steps and the strides might be tiny or wide,
But in taking just one, one can be satisfied.

Remember the places from which you have come,
It has been a long road, and although you're not done,

Sometimes the wind and the waves want to play:
A milkshake and fries aren't too scary today. 

Gut Feelings

It’s Thursday evening, which means it’s time for my last-minute submission for Brian’s weekly prompt! 🙂 This time it’s about intuition. To fit with the theme (and also to put less pressure on myself), I wrote it mainly in a stream-of-consciousness style. Also for MVB: Alone. Photo credit: Collin Guernsey on Pexels.com

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An intuitive child, made to feel alone,
Carried these feelings until she was grown.

People say “go with your gut” —
For her there was a glut
Of emotions she could not handle,
Of anger and sadness she was full.

And she ignored her gut so that she starved,
Until she her own loving niche carved.

Pear, or, Insecurity

We envy the hourglass,
Eschew the ruler, but
Fear the apple and pear.
Why do we insist on classification,
And idolization of passing things?
I am not a fruit
Nor a measurement implement
Nor even a timepiece --
I think what we want, really,
Is for that hourglass
To turn itself upside-down.

Image found on image search
Illustration just in case you are a man and/or don’t know what I’m talking about then I refer to pears, apples, etc.

This free-verse poem was written for MVB: Pear and Brian’s challenge about insecurity.

This is another poem I’m nervous about posting. I’m really not as vain as this might make me sound. A lot of people think eating disorders are about vanity. They’re not. They’re more about control and trying to find a way to feel good about oneself. The media and beauty ideals are a contributing factor, but I had the perfect set of personality traits and life experiences to be susceptible to the media’s messaging. If I had any shred of self-esteem or self-worth back then, I wouldn’t have felt the need to change what I looked like. Plus, once I started, I couldn’t stop because of A. people’s compliments, which I craved like a drug, and B. the realization that starving calmed my anxiety. You do it enough, it literally makes you feel high.

I didn’t mean to write so much about what causes eating disorders (it frustrates me that a lot of people blame just the media and photoshop), but there you go.

This is HYSTERICAL!

This is going to be another ranting / rambling post. You have been warned.

I saw a post on Instagram, the other day, along the lines of “Don’t trust the thing that’s trying to kill you.” Don’t trust the eating disorder. Don’t trust , the depression. Whatever. Don’t trust the PMDD or whatever is going on with me this time. But if I can’t trust the very body I live in, then what can I trust. Jesus, of course. “Jesus” is always the answer, isn’t it, my Christian friends? It’s too bad when you don’t particularly like Him these days, but you can’t deny or ignore His existence. Go ahead and give me the “worst Christian” award; I don’t care.

Yesterday was this month’s full moon. Maybe that’s why I am being a LUNAtic! I’m a little obsessed with the names of each month’s full moon. July’s is called the Buck Moon because deer’s antlers are growing at this time (allegedly).

I started a cherita about this earlier and am finishing it now:

I am obsessed with the full moon,

Periodically feeling like a total lunatic,
Personality eclipsed, it's absolutely

Hysterical but not funny at all. It shines
Like an unwanted spotlight, and I can't
Hide; the moon can't leave the stage either.

Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

It Takes Courage

It takes courage to cultivate empathy, to not callus your heart against the pain of the world and so many (too many) people in it, or even against the truth that is in one’s own heart and history. The eating disorder numbed a lot of that for me. I remember, in early recovery, it was so difficult to feel all that anger and sadness and other “negative” emotions that had previously been numbed. However, after about a month in a special recovery home, I laughed, and one of the girls commented, “I’ve never seen you look so happy.” That was when I realized that not only had my difficulties been numbed, but my true enjoyment of life as well. It took a TON of work. It still does; I won’t lie and admit that I have to remain watchful and remember that the eating disorder voice IS a liar and it DOES want to destroy me.

These things inspired a sijo for Ronovan Writes about “work.”  By the way, this was not what I had been expecting to write all week, since I saw the prompt. It’s remarkable how that happens.

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What an insurmountable mountain stands, over life's landscape: 
All the troubles that had been buried now seen, a little at a time, 
Yet little treasures and caring comforts are also unearthed.

Last on the Card for June

My photo for “Last on the Card” for June 2022. I hung out with a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a few months, and after having lunch we went to Chick-fil-A for frosted lemonades.

I liked the little vase of flowers, too.

Neither of us had tried that before, and to me it was more like a milkshake than a slushy (so it was rather unexpected, and that’s the biggest reason why the eating disorder “voice” hated it [see this poem]). However, I am happy to say that I did enjoy it and drank the whole thing. 🙂 Most importantly, I had a good time with my friend.

bullies in my head

Brian’s prompt this week is bullies. I was going to wait until tomorrow to write and post for this, but I am in a perfect situation right now: the bully in my head who is calling me fat and ugly and stupid, and the anxiety that won’t calm down. Contrary to what people probably see and what everyone thinks they know, I don’t always do well in fighting against the eating disorder “voice,” and my gosh, I have really pissed it off today! This poem was written all at once. It was like, “3, 2,1, go!” and these words came out.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

There's a Bully in my head,
It wants me small and wants me dead,
It says I've still got pounds to shed,
I've made it very mad.

It reminds me of the food I've had
Today and all this week. I'm sad
It's back, it's gotten really bad,
But at least I ate. 

The Bully wants to hell create,
Depression and Anxiety mate
To form a monster -- is it Fate?
But I'm fighting and fed.