In the back of my mind…

In the beginning of our stream-of-consciousness Saturday post, we must have the words “In the…” What comes after that? I’m not sure. It’s past dinnertime, and I still haven’t written any poems at all today. Well, 2 lines of an acrostic, and 1.5 lines of another poem (not sure what form it will be).

In the back of my mind,
There is probably something
I still have left to say —
Something which one day
Was buried, yet buried alive.
Maybe that’s why
Anxiety won’t quite leave me,
Why it lives in my body —
It has more to say.

I was hoping to not write about anxiety / problems, but that’s what came out. At least I have actually written a whole poem today, finally.

Resolve

For today’s SoCS: Resolve and day 1 of “Just-Jot-It January (JusJoJan).” Also linked with MVB: Ahead. I wanted to write a third quatrain, but it’s not coming.


Resolve to try hard every day,
And ask for help when I cannot,
Resolve with peace of soul to pray
Because God’s works are not forgot.

Don’t overthink the year ahead,
Today is a sufficient task.
There is much kindness done and said,
And peaceful times in which to bask. Continue reading

A Poem on December 30th

This is a timely week for Brian’s current prompt, Past and Present. I don’t really want to think about the new year. It’s making me sad and all sorts of things. You could say I am experiencing sundry emotions, most of them not very pleasant. I’m not sure if this thing is done, but it is what it is right now.


Past depressions
Come back up to level paths,
But the lesson
I’ve been learning most is that
Level paths fall down again,
Even to the present,
Likely to the future too.

The beginning
Of another end has come;
I’m not wanting
Its days, hollow hopes unwelcome.

It Can Be Lonely

“Holidays” is the prompt for MLMM’s Tale Weaver from a couple of days ago. One of the questions that our prompter, Stephanie, asked is, “What do holidays mean to you?” so I wrote this sevenling.


In wider society “the holidays” means
Singing about Santa and snowmen,
Feasting with family and, above all, shopping

Whereas to many, and to me, this is the
Mass of Christ’s birth, the reason we
Sing and feast, joyously gift-giving

And it hurts when family does not see.

Dear 2021….

Inspired by the current prompt for the Friday Writings, even though I can’t link up because I already linked up something different yesterday. Warning: I am very honest in this post, so it might be depressing and/or distressing. I liked these pictures, found on the original post:

Let Us Hope found on 12_20

Dear 2021,

At the end of each year, I usually like to do a sort of retrospective and reflect on the past year: “What happened? How did I grow? What goals did I accomplish?” This is the extent to which that is going to happen.

What did happen this year? I’ve been unemployed since the start of the pandemic (was it only last year that things were normal?). I’ve tried to find a job, yet mental health and lack of motivation has hindered doing very much. I also don’t want to have to wear a face mask, and maybe people would tell me, “Just suck it up and do it,” but I just can’t right now.

So, “what did happen this year?” I certainly wrote a lot, and I prayed approximately a thousand rosaries. 🙂 That’s the redeeming aspect of this whole mess: the prayer groups that I’ve discovered, that I believe God led me to. Without them, I would feel more lonely, more alone, more useless — overall, even more crazy!

Another great thing is that, in October of this year, I got to attend a Latin Mass! The only other time I’ve been able to do that is nearly 5 years ago, and I was so happy to rediscover how beautiful and sacred and holy that was/is. Now, let’s hope and pray that our pope doesn’t try to quash it any more than he already has….

I suppose one thing I can be proud of is that this year, I survived 2 suicide attempts, in July and in September. Please, someone give my Guardian Angel a promotion.

In my usual year-end reflections, I also ask myself what I am looking forward to in the coming year. The image that is above exemplifies that, at least the best-case scenario. Not sure what I’m looking forward to, to be honest. The positive is that the prospect of the year 2022 doesn’t completely fill me with dread. The apprehensiveness is accompanied by curiosity, like, “What is going to happen next?”

I will definitely keep writing poems. I do that almost as often as breathing. My hope is to keep being a good friend and to love people. I try to make the world a better place because it is hard enough as it is.

And there you have it.

My Online Journal

Today’s MVB prompt is Journaling!

Blogging is, of course, a form of journaling, especially with some of the very honest poems that I have been posting. Offline, I write a lot more poetry, usually at least 4 or 5 poems a day, in response to prompts and/or what happens during my day. I also write in a normal journal daily, which I have been doing since December of 2007. 

Part of the reason why I put so many poems about depression and stuff on here is precisely because I don’t know most of you in person. Some of my “real life” friends also read my blog, and it can be a bit awkward. For example, this conversation occurred a week or two ago:

Friend: “How have you been lately?”

Me, because I seem to be unable to lie: “Uhhhh….”

Friend: “I saw your blog post.”

Me: “Yeahhhhh….that….”

I also put a lot of Jesus-y poems on here because I am very happy to be a Catholic Christian. Yes, my life is messed up, far from ideal, but Jesus makes it better; when I have no hope, He is the hope. ❤

I think it’s kind of funny that those are my top 2 topics: depression and Jesus. I think the topic that wins third place is coffee.

One of my previous poetry journals–
You get extra poems in this post!