Gut Feelings

It’s Thursday evening, which means it’s time for my last-minute submission for Brian’s weekly prompt! 🙂 This time it’s about intuition. To fit with the theme (and also to put less pressure on myself), I wrote it mainly in a stream-of-consciousness style. Also for MVB: Alone. Photo credit: Collin Guernsey on Pexels.com


An intuitive child, made to feel alone,
Carried these feelings until she was grown.

People say “go with your gut” —
For her there was a glut
Of emotions she could not handle,
Of anger and sadness she was full.

And she ignored her gut so that she starved,
Until she her own loving niche carved.

Saint Maria Goretti

So, I wrote this yesterday and wasn’t going to share, but then I just couldn’t handle how much this saint’s day triggered me yesterday (I had a hard time with it last year, too, and this day last year). Thankfully, today’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Yesterday was much worse. Thank God I could go to work and get out of my own head yesterday. A reverse cherita.

I love God and love my Church, and Maria did show a great example of forgiveness, but she bothers me. A lot.


 

Is safeguarding "purity" so important
That a woman should prefer to be 
Dead, rather than a rape victim?

God forgive my impiety I'm
Upset that that's considered saintly.

If Maria forgave Alessandro,* she'd forgive me.

       *her attacker

bullies in my head

Brian’s prompt this week is bulliesI was going to wait until tomorrow to write and post for this, but I am in a perfect situation right now: the bully in my head who is calling me fat and ugly and stupid, and the anxiety that won’t calm down. Contrary to what people probably see and what everyone thinks they know, I don’t always do well in fighting against the eating disorder “voice,” and my gosh, I have really pissed it off today! This poem was written all at once. It was like, “3, 2,1, go!” and these words came out.

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com
There's a Bully in my head,
It wants me small and wants me dead,
It says I've still got pounds to shed,
I've made it very mad.

It reminds me of the food I've had
Today and all this week. I'm sad
It's back, it's gotten really bad,
But at least I ate. 

The Bully wants to hell create,
Depression and Anxiety mate
To form a monster -- is it Fate?
But I'm fighting and fed. 

Struggling

So, I wrote a décima today. It’s been a while since I’ve shared one because Ronovan Writes has a Sijo challenge now, but here you go. It started out positive. I wrote the second and third lines first, inspired by a Bible verse (link goes to a different translation from the one I used but close enough 🙂 ). However, then I had An Afternoon.

I tried, people, I tried. -_-


There’s a crown of worth unfading:
For this I struggle and press on,
With Christ in me to make me strong
Into unknown waters wading.

Here come attacks aggravating
Already-strong onslaughts, keeping
Me laughably close to weeping,
No matter prayers and platitudes.
All of the strength that I’d accrued
Was used earlier – I’m sleeping.

person sleeping beside dead leaves
Photo by Alan Cabello on Pexels.com

Bonus! Here’s a shadorma I wrote this morning about trusting God, despite how hard it is. In the morning it felt possible. However, then I had An Afternoon.

path ahead
is obscurity —
but darkness
is not dark
for Someone. take a deep breath,
this must be trusted

So, when I first typed this up, I added an asterisk at the end:  *even if you are pissed at Him

I hope this isn’t like the video game Portal, where “the cake is a lie.” I feel like all the metaphorical cake in this world is not worth going through this over. and. over. again.

Yesterday, in the livestreamed rosary group that I’m still a part of (I have written about it before at some point), I wrote about some of my difficulty with depression / wanting to die, etc. and somebody told me to “seek the Lord.” Thankfully I stopped myself from actually typing back, “What a GREAT idea!! Wish I’d thought of that!” What do you think I’ve been doing? I mean, we had just gotten done with the rosary! AAAAARGH F***!

You Don't Say?

Thank you for reading my versified tantrum. I am assuming that you are reading. 🙂

Sour

Here is another “zesty” free-verse poem. I almost forgot to mention that it uses today’s FOWC.


When life gives you lemons,
With no apology, no promise
Of ever getting better,
Use the lemon zest.

That’s an ingredient in
Many recipes, isn’t it?

Couldn’t you make a
Delicious dish, and spit that
Sour taste, back in life’s face?

Photo by Eva Elijas on Pexels.com

NO. WAY.

Shock:
I’m not fine
I am never fine,
Dare to peer in this brain of
Mine?

See:
Look at me,
Does anyone care,
Beyond a few words and one
Prayer?

Days
Seem static,
Going nowhere while
Brain runs off a cliff or it
Fries.

FINE

Good time to reprise this photo

My thought process before this: “Okay, I finally finished that happy poem from last week. Let’s let out the other stuff.” MVB: Shock. FOWC: Anybody (close enough?). Then I started writing and realized I could make it into a Quadrille for DVerse; the week’s word is “static.”  I’m not linking this up with it but figured I’d give credit for the inspiration. 🙂  At least I’ve written more now!!

Difficulties

As of this moment, around 5 p.m. on Tuesday evening, I have 7 poems started today and space set aside for 2 or 3 others. How many are finished? Two. Yes, I often have difficulty finishing what I’ve started, especially in a timely manner! Most of my poetry is not elegant, but especially after 2 or 3 days I don’t care and just want to write something. Here’s a haiku (or senryu? maybe even zappai??) and a reverse etheree.



Heaven forever,
Soul lifted to this reward
One catch: No shortcuts.



So,
Tell me:
Is this the
Life-giving rain,
Little fall making
Flowers grow? Or is it
Opening of the floodgates —
Oh, I know, You promised not to
Send everlasting inundation
Again — none about other destruction.

black wooden door frame
Photo by ramy Kabalan on Pexels.com

Whatever happens…

“Whatever” is our prompt word for Linda’s SoCS this week. Yay, I started my post with the word, so I get the “bonus points!” The first thing I thought of when I read the prompt is the online rosary that I participated in on Tuesday. It’s on Youtube, so there is a chat box. When we got to the 4th decade (a decade is a set of 10 Hail Marys), we meditated on when Jesus carries His cross and how we are supposed to persevere in difficulties as well. Continue reading

When Faith Doesn’t Make You Feel Good

A collection of a few short poems having to do with the Gospel story that I wrote about in the previous post:


i.
She
Hemorrhaged
Blood, very life, for
12 years — then Jesus made her
Healed

ii.
See us
Hemorrhaging
Hope — sometimes wounds bound up,
Then too soon the scarring scabs are
Opened.

iii.
“I’m
Fine”
Builds up
Resentment,
How long must we wait?
Hope’s familiar with the long haul,
Yet this story meant to be encouraging, instead
Is mocking — after all this time
You taunt me snidely,
You watch me
Bleeding
You
Laugh.

iv.
Yes I believe
That God exists; He’s beautiful.
Yes I believe
That God works miracles, relieves
Many aches of life, makes one whole —
Some days it feels deeply painful
That I believe.

Not Again!

Today’s Gospel reading is about the hemorrhaging woman again (Mark 5:21-43). The story is that she had been suffering with a hemorrhage of blood for 12 years, and “had suffered greatly at the hands of many doctors and had spent all that she had. Yet she was not helped but only grew worse.” However, having hears about Jesus, she believes that if she could only touch His clothes, she would be healed. Long story short, she does so and is healed.

I haven’t written about this on the blog before, but truth be told, this passage pisses me off — and it seems to come up a lot! I was at Mass during the week one time, and it was the Gospel passage that day, too. Well, I was so angry at Jesus that I got up and walked out (after the priest’s homily; I didn’t want him to think it was because his homily was bad).

I identify very much with this woman. It has been even longer than 12 years now for me. Not that I have a hemorrhage of blood, thankfully, but I’ve got a lot of other stuff and have also spent a boatload of money on expensive therapy and stuff, and I think, especially in the past 6 months to a year, it has gotten much worse!

Usually I get angrier than this, so maybe I’m making some progress, but I needed to let out some steam, and my blog seemed like a good place. I just listened to the daily readings and thought, “Are you KIDDING me??”

THE REVELATION OF JESUS CHRIST: THE WOMAN WITH THE ISSUE OF BLOOD

Here is a picture, from an image search