New Patterns

Open up the windows,
Lift the blinds
But maybe hang a new curtain —
Certainly rearrange the furniture
Change it to something happier
And take away the clutter.

There’s too much stuff
From the past; when was the last
Renovation in this place?
New color-schemes can create
A more hopeful face.

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If There’s a Reason….

For this week’s Weekly Scribblings at PSU, Rommy prompts us with several lines from the musical “Hamilton.” This brings back a lot of memories because I was really into the musical when it first came out, and certain lines from it really inspired and motivated me at the time. This is not a poem today. This is prose, and this is nonfiction.


“Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.” That line could be the summary of my life.

Except, dying wasn’t all that easy, either.

With depression as persistent as it is, and the eating disorder which covered it being so dangerously severe, I’m amazed that I did not die. Soon after the musical “Hamilton” came out and my friend introduced me to its songs, I was in an intensive therapy program (again) to help with the eating disorder behaviors and consequences (again). I had heard that anorexia has one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness, with up to 25% of sufferers dying, especially if they do not receive treatment. Thinking about all of the people I had met during my recovery journey — it was at least 4 dozen. Take 25% of that; that’s how many could have died already, when I was given a second chance and a third chance. Sometimes, I didn’t even want those extra chances, so why did they not go to somebody else?

I had asked myself — still do, in fact — why I got treatment, why I’m still alive at all. Even during that stint in the therapy program, I was inspired by another line from “Hamilton”: “If there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willing to wait for it.” Two years later, I revisited my journal from that time, and I was still waiting yet also re-inspired. If I ever find out the reason why God saved me, I am still willing to wait for it.

A Difficult Decision

Draw a simple chart:
Pros in one column
Cons in the opposite,
Worlds apart,
Yet warring in the brain.

The pros are numerous:
Rising like tiny
Bubbles in a glass
Of champagne —
Real pain
Of the cons carries
So
Much
Weight.


Today I’m loving my rosary and the online group I pray with. That has nothing to do with the poem, but it is what stopped me from going to bed at 3 in the afternoon — that’s what time we pray in the group.

Not my photo nor my rosary, but it looks cool.

person holding a rosary
Photo by Daniel Reche on Pexels.com

Catharsis

For FOWC: Cathartic, I have an acrostic poem. Sometimes, what is really cathartic for me is to type a free-verse, ridiculously-honest, stream-of-consciousness poem into a draft but then not to post it. When that happens, I’m often tempted to post it anyway, but in the end I decide not to let my freak-flag fly that much. 🙂 Another thing that I find cathartic is to throw ice cubes outside, into the concrete, while yelling about whatever is bothering me. It’s actually rather fun, although I usually do it when I’m alone so that I don’t get any weird looks from my family. 


Cry
And rage,
Taking aim,
Helping
Acrid
Rancid emotions
Taper
Into a
Calmer stage.

In(tro)spection

This is a cherita and was inspired by Writing Wednesday, FOWC: Deteriorate, and this prompt about what is urgent. It’s ironic because I don’t drive and therefore do not have to deal with any “check -engine” lights; however, my human equivalent of a check-engine light is always trying to get my attention. 🙂


If a car’s ‘check-engine’ light is on,

It merits a closer inspection, urgently done,
Before the vehicle deteriorates more.

The human form of a ‘check-engine’ light
Might signify a need for sleep or fuel.
To risk terribly crashing is not cool.