I Miss the Past

For MLMM’S Opposing Forces. Quite often, I look back and think things used to be so much better. At the very least, I miss the past, probably too much. Also, at least for me, I feel like my life has stopped for the past 6 or 7 years, like I left myself back there or something. 

Please comment if you know what the heck I mean by that.


“Call Me Mara” *

With all my reminisces, 
I ought to take a tiny bit of sugar 
To sweeten any bitterness of loss;
And like Lot's wife, take
A giant pillar of salt as the cost. 

               * see Ruth 1:20

Are You?

Are you a Kindly Moon?
Is that why I've been feeling
Happy, lately, despite 
Missing him?
            (Someone said,
"The heart is a lonely hunter"
And is that not true, mournful
As a wolf's howl?)

Happy, lately, despite 
Being a Traveler in the tension
Between now and not-yet? 

There's nothing wrong with wanting,
Nor with the process of waiting,
But if I were a gopher I would 
Look back,
          (If I were Lot's wife I would
Be all salty)
                   Longing for a past
Which can never be remembered 
With the fidelity of Ivy --

      Yet, Kindly Moon, you see
      The harvest growing tall
      And ripe, after this Seed Fall. 

Thanks to DVerse Poetics for this prompt, using the various names for the October full moon as inspiration (follow the link for the full list). Also inspired by FOWC: Tension. I’m not sure whether this “Kindly Moon” pleasant and stable mood will last, but at least I could write this. 

Photo by David Besh on Pexels.com

Idyllic Ideal

Beautiful winter scene,
Idyllic, ideal
Inside of a snow globe
Shattered, is not real.

Windows bedecked with lights,
Blanket of snow did fall,
Now the glass is shattered
You barely care at all.


MVB Prompt: Snow Globe brought back memories. My ex and I liked to do jigsaw puzzles, and one was of a beautiful, wintry Christmas scene inside of a snow globe.

I do miss him, and I can’t just “get over” him because any love worthy of the name does not simply end. On the other hand, it’s like he doesn’t care at all. Apparently, his mom didn’t like me, and that’s all that matters; he’s too afraid or apathetic to do anything about it. Truly, either he’s a mama’s boy, or she’s a nightmare, or both. Either way, it doesn’t help me feel better emotionally. Even if I could get somebody better, I don’t exactly want anyone better right now. Thanks for reading my little rant.

A Secondary Lesson

This is a 6-sentence story for this week’s link-up. 🙂


In college, as an elective I took a French film class, where we went over the entire history of French film, from the late 1800s to today, as well as film-making terminology. It gave me not only knowledge of but an appreciation for black & white and even silent films — and it taught me that, perhaps, I can work well under pressure.

After watching each week’s film, we would have an in-class discussion — the class was 4 hours long — and then our homework would be to write our own personal reflection on the film and bring it back the next week. The reflections were supposed to be typed, but one day, waiting for class to begin, I realized that I had forgotten to write mine, and class was going to start in about 15 minutes. Having nothing to lose, I quickly scribbled about 1 1/2 pages in French on a piece of lined paper and turned that in, feeling both nervous and audacious.

When the professor returned our reflections to us students, I found that not only had she accepted mine; she loved it so much that she drew hearts on it!

Looking for My Vocation

Since today’s FOWC is Vocation, it reminded me of this post I shared 2.5 years ago, called “My Home is a Monastery Now,” reprinted below. I guess this counts as my Flashback Friday post, too.


 

Almost exactly two years before this quarantine started, I spent my spring break visiting a monastery. I was considering the life of a cloistered nun, as I was very attracted to their way of life and prayer.

I loved every minute of that time and even visited again that summer. However, in the end, it was not to be, and I have not pursued it any further.

Now is my new chance to be a cloistered nun.

Black-and-white clad nuns
Flock together in spirit
As bells are tolling
Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

After the lockdowns and everything, I learned that I wouldn’t have been able to handle that kind of life very long. It still appeals to me, but realistically… not really my preference. At the same time I don’t know about marriage, either, and I might not end up being able to have kids (but that’s a whole other can of worms). Thanks for reading. 🙂

Losing Track

It’s Quadrille Monday at the DVerse Poets virtual pub! This week’s word is track. Also written for FOWC: Medal.


We always, always kept track of grades,
Mine we always As, 
Except for one B+ 
In an AP Physics class --
That's another thing,
I took six APs --
And in academic decathlon 
I won seven medals.

And what do I have
Left of it now? 

Believe it or not, I did write something happy today, this morning. Maybe I’ll share it later. Maybe I can even try to write a second quadrille. In the meantime, here is my quadrille, based on my dumpster-fire of a life, in which all of my previous achievements have burned to invisible ashes.

The moral of this story is, if you did badly in school, none of it matters anyway!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Here’s a Title

This week’s sijo prompt is Balance, and that word triggers me so much because I have cerebral palsy and a kind of messed-up life, so it’s like physically I get off balance and mentally everything’s off balance. It has been like this for a long time; actually I’ve gotten better over time, overall. Plus, I have only a mild case of cerebral palsy and am actually really lucky, yet it still feels like some sort of cosmic joke. It’s sort of surprising how pissed off I am by this prompt (no offense to the prompter — I love writing sijos!). Anyway, here’s my attempt for this week.


She loved her pink tutu and ballet shoes, dancing to music,
Freely flowing, feeling the melodies even at that young age,
Before the time she realized: she could not be a ballerina.

I tried not to write something autobiographical, but look what came out. Also, it turns out that this is only related obliquely, but I’ll be sharing and linking it anyway. Voilà.

Ronovan Writes Sijo Challenge Image

Seas, Islands, and Sharks

Even when I have difficulty, or when it’s been a long day, responding to prompts and posting to my blog is a hobby of mine (as you know), so here is a little poem.

Seas
Of trial —
Words are the islands
On which I find safe shelter
Here.

 


For FOWC: Sea and partially inspired by DVerse’s Habun Monday because I used the idea of “shelter,” but I’m not linking up because this isn’t a haibun.

Here is FFFC: #182. The picture reminded me of my ex and me because we would do jigsaw puzzles in the park together (that’s another of my hobbies — puzzles). Before we were dating, we would use that as an excuse to sit really close to each other or “accidentally” brush our hands together. It was one of those cute but ridiculous things. One puzzle had a bunch of different sharks on it, so that is what this cherita is inspired by.

 

I thought the pieces fit together, didn't you?

A couple dozen sharks with so much ocean between them,
Several times we tried to finish the picture

We never did finish that thousand-piece puzzle.
Now it's too late, for time flows forward.
There are plenty of other "sharks" in the sea.

Webbed Paddling Feet

Thanks to Leyde Ryan’s post, I rediscovered the “Three Things Challenge” (3TC). The three things were the title of this post. 🙂 The first thing I thought of was DUCKS!!! and that made me so happy that I had to try to write something for it, a poem or at least a few sentences.

Turns out, the duck theme was intentional, and also, those 3 words were from yesterday, not today. Nevertheless, here is my thing. It turned into a haibun:

Just yesterday a Facebook "memory" from a whole year ago popped up: A friend and I had gone to a nearby park to look at ducks, and I had taken a few photos and even a video of our adventure. How could that have been so long ago? Thinking too much about time passing makes me sad, but seeing those pictures again put a smile on my face. 

Today that same friend sent me a message, saying that it had been a while, that we should see the ducks together again. 

on land, in water
time flows quickly yet always
happiness waddles
A photo from that day — ducks walking with webbed feet
We saw ducklings paddling with their little feet in the water
AWWWWWW! ❤

Wallpaper

Linda G. Hill gives us the word “wallpaper” to work with for SoCS today. As I had absolutely nothing to say about wallpaper, I decided to do am image search and see if anything from that inspired me. The pictures most near the top were of cell-phone wallpapers, which I didn’t even think about; I was thinking about literal decorative sticky paper on actual walls. Traditional wallpaper, I guess you could say. 🙂

The wallpaper on my phone is a photo taken from the pier at one of the local beaches. You can see the shoreline on the lift side of the photo, but most of the image is blue sky and ocean of a deeper blue. I remember when I took that picture: I was there with a friend from high school (we’ve more or less lost touch now), and we were going to eat burgers and drink milkshakes. I remember, doing that scared me so much because I was near the beginning of my eating disorder recovery journey. Thoughts like, “You want me to go to the beach, and eat a burger, and drink a milkshake, in the SAME DAY?!” were prominent. I refused to wear a bathing suit, so we didn’t go swimming, but we did eat that stuff, and we had a really fun day. At least I wore shorts and short sleeves. I remember, even though it was a huge challenge, that day was a major win for me!

I’ve come a long way, even if it doesn’t often feel like it.

 

You've come a long way, through the wind and the waves,
To find a blue sky and a safe place to stay.

The steps and the strides might be tiny or wide,
But in taking just one, one can be satisfied.

Remember the places from which you have come,
It has been a long road, and although you're not done,

Sometimes the wind and the waves want to play:
A milkshake and fries aren't too scary today.