Hindsight is 20/20:
2020 was tragic.
So much squandered time,
Help me to be grateful for the wind,
Although it blows with force all the day,
Let gratitude’s spirit not rescind.
Looking, and truly seeing, to find
A brighter point; soon eyes are opened.
Help me to be grateful for the ways
Days unfold, which I would not have penned
If I could write it: I have a say
In how I see it, with heart softened.
The strong Santa Ana winds were blowing today. Those winds really annoy me, especially because my back yard has wind chimes, so I constantly hear the chimes. However, today being Thanksgiving, I asked God, “Help me to find a way to be grateful for this.”
I suppose one way that turned to not-so-bad-ness is that I was inspired to write a poem. Another good part is that the winds didn’t blow the entire time.
The real mayhem isn’t that I’m always acting “crazy.” This insidious darkness is craftier than that. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine; much of the time it “merely” saps my day to day energy, like a leech that no one can see, or a leak that no one ascertains. It most often manifests as what looks like laziness to those around me. Part of me believes I really am that lazy, pathetic person, that I’m just blaming the depression for a problem it’s not causing. If they could see my thoughts, though… maybe they would understand. I’ve tried to speak, have also taken actions but they’ve come to nothing. I’ve tried to fight thoughts but it’s like a war which I win if I just don’t surrender, but when you’ve been at it day after day for half your life, with no end in sight, all you want to do is raise that white flag.
Sat down at my computer keyboard and this is what came up. I’m fine as far as actions are concerned (the bar is set REALLY low), but the thoughts are loud tonight.
It’s not about what might come in little packages around birthdays or Christmas, not about what others might give me, nor even what I am glad to be able to give to them. I am happy for that moment when the whatever-it-is arrives on my doorstep, for that bit of excitement.
I posted nothing yesterday, although I finished 2 poems. Today, because life always inspires me to write something, I have written several more poems. Still wasn’t sure what (if anything) to post, but it’s better to post something than nothing, especially for the second day in a row.
how I love
when it comes
to coffee —
let us drink
Today I wrote a sevenling for MVB: Pockets.
Even in the shadow places,
Where I feel stunted, scared
And even hunted by hostile evil — Continue reading
Open the white satin bag,
In which lies the red beads
Silver crucifix and centerpiece
Of a much-loved Catholic chaplet
Daily: the face of Christ
And His five senses; may they
Shine and guide, and remind,
That even God Himself
Smiled, and laughed and cried.