If There’s a Reason….

For this week’s Weekly Scribblings at PSU, Rommy prompts us with several lines from the musical “Hamilton.” This brings back a lot of memories because I was really into the musical when it first came out, and certain lines from it really inspired and motivated me at the time. This is not a poem today. This is prose, and this is nonfiction.


“Dying is easy, young man. Living is harder.” That line could be the summary of my life.

Except, dying wasn’t all that easy, either.

With depression as persistent as it is, and the eating disorder which covered it being so dangerously severe, I’m amazed that I did not die. Soon after the musical “Hamilton” came out and my friend introduced me to its songs, I was in an intensive therapy program (again) to help with the eating disorder behaviors and consequences (again). I had heard that anorexia has one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness, with up to 25% of sufferers dying, especially if they do not receive treatment. Thinking about all of the people I had met during my recovery journey — it was at least 4 dozen. Take 25% of that; that’s how many could have died already, when I was given a second chance and a third chance. Sometimes, I didn’t even want those extra chances, so why did they not go to somebody else?

I had asked myself — still do, in fact — why I got treatment, why I’m still alive at all. Even during that stint in the therapy program, I was inspired by another line from “Hamilton”: “If there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died, then I’m willing to wait for it.” Two years later, I revisited my journal from that time, and I was still waiting yet also re-inspired. If I ever find out the reason why God saved me, I am still willing to wait for it.

5 thoughts on “If There’s a Reason….

  1. Thank you so much for this brave and honest share. I love the simplicity and straightforwardness of your account. I like what utahan15 says in the previous comment. My own opinion is that the reason God saved you is YOU – you are valuable, not more than others but surely every bit as much; you are an essential thread in the great tapestry of life, and each tiny thread matters crucially to the whole. (But you are too close in to see the overall pattern; perhaps only God has that eye-view.) Perhaps the why does not matter so much as the knowledge that, for whatever reason, you have been saved and therefore are meant to be here.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. After Mom died my father lived eight more years. At time he would say, “I should have died, not Mom.” What do I say? The only thing I could say was that God wasn’t through with him yet. He was a good bookkeeper and retired and he had a pickup truck. My first girl friend, a first and second grade pal, committed suicide before she was twenty. I think her father pulling her out of public school for the third grade on had something to do with it. I never saw her after that final second grade last day. Suicide is all around us. I accompanied a young lady to the ER for a stomach pumping, I knew her really well, I had no idea. I think now it was Post Pregnancy Letdown (??). My son dated a young lady who committed suicide a couple of years after they split, a GI during our basic training killed himself and we divided his clothing amongst us survivors.
    I have an emergency out in case I need it, all my life I have had spells, bad, of being down.
    ..

    Liked by 1 person

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